Ferocity

When you look at the dynamics of the system of control, do you feel angry? Frustrated? Afraid? Do you value freedom and liberation? You mention wanting to change the system and are wondering if you can let go of anger and still have the drive to do that -- would you be willing to hear some thoughts from someone who has also wondered the same thing myself?

I have experienced times when I thought that it would be "easier" if I believed in blame, but I truly don't anymore. You, who have known me for a long time, probably have little difficulty in imagining me as someone with a lot of anger at the system -- that anger (i.e. at the whole system, as opposed to any particular person or people) was the source of the rage I experienced for a long time. I eventually got past it because I came to see it as just participating in the very thing that I wanted to change, i.e. the system. This came about initially as an intellectual understanding -- in other words, I was "out debated" by someone whose paradigm was, actually, more all-encompassing and wise than the one I began with. Then, the internal self-transformative work to REALLY transcend the anger / blame structures within myself, to dismantle all that conditioning. This is difficult for anyone (though not impossible for anyone) but for me it was... well, ego-shattering. So much of my self-concept and identity was wrapped up in She Who Is Righteously Angry that it required more or less letting go of all ideas of myself. (Ahh, emptiness....)

The thing is, someone who blames the system, is angry at the system or rebels against the system is still being controlled by the system -- to me, freedom comes from not participating in the system, for saying "no thank you" when faced with its illusory paradigms of control. SO MUCH of the control people experience comes from internal sources -- they are copies of old, external sources that are outdated and no longer exist as a "punishing entity" in the now. Free will only exists in the now, and until one is living there (rather than being controlled by the past / conditioning or fantasizing / fearing the future) there is no real place in which to make choices.

Some thoughts on anger....

We are conditioned to believe that anger is inevitable, that it is an inherent part of the human psyche, that it is "hard wired" into us. As someone with more experience with anger than with any other emotion, I no longer believe this. There is a ferocity with which an organism will fight for its life in a classic fight or flight situation. This occurs at a very primitive level of the brain in a place more basic than emotion. Add a level of complexity and you have a limbic system, and thus an emotional state that produces and is produced by a particular set of neurochemicals and receptors. Add another layer of complexity and you have a neo-cortex which tells a story about these chemicals and makes sense of its reality by labeling this state "anger."

To me, what we have in modern times is a particular belief structure about this state of life-affirming ferocity that has been twisted through our paradigm of anger, violence and the debilitating belief that these states are necessary / inevitable. There can be ferocious anger, but there can also be ferocious love -- I find the latter much more life-affirming and energizing. It gives me clarity, whereas anger always clouded my judgment. It gives me tremendous energy and motivation, whereas anger always quickly wore me out and produced few positive results. It gives me compassion for and unity with all beings in the system, whereas anger demanded an object to be pointed at. It gives me freedom, whereas anger only gave me another chain to attach my soul to the system.

The Tibetans / Buddhists have only three things that are considered poisonous to humanity -- only three little things that keep any / all of us living in a samsaric conditioned state. Those three things are ignorance, attachment and anger. (The root cause is ignorance, which leads to attachment, which leads to anger.) Now that I am living in my body, I've noted (consistently, every time, for more than a year) how SICK I feel every time I've reacted with anger. I immediately have a headache, my neck hurts, and I frequently hurt myself because I use my body in ways that it does not want to be used. It *is* toxic -- I feel like I've been poisoned every time I use it.

I don't (nor have I for several years) see anger as an emotion unto itself -- it is pretty much always a cover for something else. Anger gives a chemical / psychological sensation of protection, of taking fear, vulnerability, shame, anxiety, etc., and exploding it outward. However, this to me is not fearlessness -- fearlessness is feeling the fear and moving forward anyway, WITH the fear, not hiding behind anger. It takes more bravery to let go of anger, to let go of the illusion of blame and extrinsic control structures. Anger DEMANDS that we believe that others control us; it DEMANDS an object, thus creating duality, paradox, conflict, violence.

In our culture, we are given exactly two choices when faced with circumstances that do not lead to our happiness -- we can blame ourselves or blame others. This comes from a belief in the two most violent words I know -- should and deserve. Any time anger is happening, it is fueled by these concepts. Erasing these concepts erases a whole lot of anger and creates a rather interesting and liberating paradigm shift. To me, compassion / empathy (for self and/or others) is the antidote to blame – it transcends anger and replaces it with love.

I view anger as the opposite of happiness -- it is possible to be sad and happy at the same time, to be grieving and happy at the same time, to be melancholy and happy at the same time, to be tense, relaxed, ambiguous or befuddled and happy at the same time, but I've NEVER been angry and happy at the same time. The only "happiness" in anger is a toxic sort of drunkenness at being able to coerce or control another person with one's anger, of forcing one's will onto another and thus giving the illusion of power or invulnerability. Oh wait... hey... wasn't that the very thing I was angry about? (And thus the cycle starts again…..)

Seeing this experience manifest in myself, surely I can find compassion within myself for others who have done likewise..... if / when I find compassion for myself.

To me, anger is just the crack cocaine that keeps people addicted to samsara. Sometimes the anger is directed outward (anger, rage, violence) and sometimes it is turned inward (shame, depression, guilt) but it is the same toxic substance. I do not believe it is necessary or inevitable -- just habituated.

Despite what I thought while I was still addicted, smoking didn't really "fuel" my intellectual process -- in fact, it took away vital energy from my body and brain and replaced it with toxins that, in the long run, wore down my system and de-energized my mind. In the same way, anger doesn't "fuel" anything that will lead to changing a system that is based on and fueled by the same paradigms that produce and support anger -- that is like believing that war will lead to peace.... in fact, exactly so. (If we could just kill all of those people who are killing all of those people..... oh wait, now we ARE those people.) Forcing people to stop forcing people…. Well, you see the circular nature of this.

Don't get me wrong -- though I have these views of anger, I still value its presence. To me, anger is the big warning bell that goes off and says THERE IS SOMETHING GOING ON THAT NEEDS TO BE ADDRESSED! NOW! This is valuable, but the alarm is not the fire. If I feel anger today I ask -- what needs of mine aren't being addressed? What "should" thinking am I engaging in? For me, generally, this usually comes up as mild irritation -- that is about as much anger as I can tolerate in my diet. Of course, if I ignored it, didn't address it, pushed it aside, suppressed it, or didn't directly deal with it, then it would and will explode. Because it is SO IMPORTANT to me for this not to happen (for about a million reasons) I pay attention -- close attention -- to my anger. It rarely, rarely comes up anymore, but that is only because I attenuate and honor my emotions so diligently these days, while at the same time being unattached to them -- this allows greater flow and choice, more freedom about the quality and flavor of my days and actions.

So, that's my short essay on anger and why one need not cling to it in order to change the system that is not meeting one's needs. In fact, that system is relying upon anger as The Final Reaction to the realization of controls, thus it is designed to suck you right back into it just when you thought you were getting free. Nope, I prefer to be a conscientious objector -- when offered anger, I just say no -- non servium -- I will not participate. I am aware that I have free will, that my freedom is within me -- I don't believe in the dichotomous thinking that is required to embrace anger -- I refuse to give over that much power to some extrinsic source.

So there is my drive -- ferocious love.... you should see me when I roar.

The Emptiness of Should

I have (finally, mostly) learned to let go of should entirely -- it was hard, hard, hard. However, it is the cause of so many unnecessary unhappy states of mind, so it was/is worth it to me. (It is likewise the cause of all anger, whether directed outward or inward.) When I note resistance in myself to, say, something that I know would benefit me, I stop and ask -- Do I believe I should do this? If the answer is yes, then I just started happily giving myself permission NOT to do it. I took a break from all "should" activities for a while. (This was one of the immediate post-emptiness effects.) I "erased" all pictures of what I should be doing, where my life should be going, what I should eat, what I should do to clean the house -- all of it. I turned my expectations into a blank state to be filled with choices rather than shoulds. (Here is a blog I wrote about it when I did this as an NVC exercise: http://fyshmomnvc.blogspot.com/2007/03/translation-should.html )

This clearning (ok, I own the word) was incredibly helpful -- I felt such a release of pressure. Not only that, but I felt so much more fulfilled in my days -- once the expectations of what I should be doing were removed, there could be no disappointment. (Disappointment arises from expectation.) There came a point where I could say -- you know, the days when I do such and such, I feel happy, free, liberated. On the days where I don't do such and such I feel heavy, oppressed, unjoyous. I could look at this as an observation without evaluating one state as "good" or "bad" and then make conscious, should-less choices from that information.

I also gave myself the freedom to Just Do whatever I feel like doing, to pick a thing and DO it -- not think about it, not plan to do it later, but just DO IT. If I have the urge to dance, I dance. If I have the urge to fold laundry, I fold laundry. If I have the urge to write, I write. I have "free times" scheduled to just do whatever comes to me. I look forward to these times every week, and now that I have the freedom to do whatever I feel like doing, I am amazed at how much and how joyously I do things. For the first few weeks, I did very little -- I think I was trying to make sure I wasn't "expecting" myself to do particular things, that I really had let go of should. But as I learned to trust this, to trust that I didn't have should motivations, that my autonomy was really being respected, then I was able to exercise my free will a lot more freely and actively.

I've also found it INCREDIBLY helpful when I note resistance to stop, right then and there, and ask myself what it's about. How do I feel? Where do I feel it? Is my chest tight? My stomach knotted? Does my throat feel closed? Am I feeling... vulnerable? Fear? Irritation? Looking IN my body helps tremendously -- the body often feels things that the mind can ignore. Once I can find the feeling (usually "under" the resistance) then I ask -- what need of mine is causing this emotion? What am I needing/wanting that this situation doesn't fulfill?

Whatever comes up, I empathize with (rather than saying "That's stupid" or "There's no reason to feel that way" or whatever other unhelpful / conditioned thing I could think to say.) I talk to myself in my head the way I would talk to someone else, asking "Are you feeling constricted? Do you need more freedom?" or whatever it is. I often experience an incredible mental / physical sensation of release from this -- sometimes these are things I've probably felt for thirty years (or more) without anyone, including myself, ever stopping to understand the state without judging it.

In a sense, it is similar to Transactional Analysis, though instead of "analyzing" I'm empathizing. It is *so* much more effective, in my experience, and leads to much greater clarity, understanding and release from tension.

One other thing -- I've found it incredibly beneficial to bring up emotions in meditative states, to just sit and feel how emotions feel. I look in my head, at my cognitive story lines, the pictures in my head, the words associated with the feeling, the sensations in my body, etc.. I practice bringing up emotional states, observing them, then letting them go. This helps me to identify emotions when they come up so that I know what is going on inside of me. It also gives me practice in letting go of constrictive and/or explosive emotional states when they arise, in that I have practice and know that the state doesn't have to consume me or take over my entire mind, thus I have more free will / conscious choice even in the midst of strong emotions.

I have one other question for you -- how/where are you in experiencing compassion? I ask because that (compassion) has been the whole key to this liberation thing -- I totally understand now why Great Compassion is a prerequisite for Emptiness -- the latter without the former just leads to meaninglessness and despair (thus the Existentialists) where as compassion WITH emptiness leads to great expansiveness, freedom and bliss. Compassion, for self and other (though of course in the end these are no longer separate categories) was integral to liberating from conditioning for me (and for lots of folks on liberation paths throughout the ages).

By compassion I don't mean an intellectual understanding of the benefit of compassion (though that's important too) but also a heart-felt, heart-opening outpouring of compassion for.... well, everything, including the self (which is the most difficult for many people in our culture). I ask because empathy is really just an "actionable" form of compassion, a technique that engenders compassion, a way of using language that creates a paradigm shift into compassion. (I would define compassion as a combination of understanding and acceptance that eventually leads to love.) Having copious amounts of compassion makes everything else easier to transform -- it becomes the effortless energy always available that fuels the process of transformation.

Ritual: Compassion & Nonattachment

Below is the excerpt I mentioned regarding the chanting / movement / prayer / ritual work that I did the other day. Just so the references make sense, I was working in a room filled with an art display by abused, neglected and/or orphaned children. The art is part of their therapy with each piece describing the emotional state they were experiencing while making it. There was also some writing by the kids as it pertained to their art hanging on the walls.

It was a healing ceremony, primarily focused on the Medicine Buddha. I chanted and danced A LOT -- it was actually rather physically taxing, especially since it had turned hot that day but the air conditioning was not yet on in the space. However, as soon as I was in "in the zone," I was much more focused on the work I was doing and keeping the flow of rhythm steady. (I created my own rhythms with instruments on my ankles.) I have no idea how long it lasted -- maybe a bit over an hour. Anyway, below is the description.

****

I feel so grateful to have had the opportunity to focus a practice like that in a space with such strong referents for suffering and love, regret and hope. I used the specific indicators present in the room as a focal point to invite Buddha heart/mind into those who have suffered childhood abuse and neglect, first through the indicators in the room, then to the city, and out out out etc., to include all children of that generation, then those older (back through history) and not yet born (up through the future) that they might not grasp onto the suffering and/or heal from the pieces that stick and continue to generate suffering. I then dissolved any perceived duality to include all of those who have ever abused (thus many of the same beings/soul matrices) that they might open their hearts to self-forgiveness and unconditional love, acceptance, healing and empathy. Then, I did what I could to cut the ties of karma between the illusory dichotomies of "victim" and "abuser." I took the suffering from all of these interactions from beginningless time until all beings enter Nirvana and moved it through me, feeling and experiencing that suffering as my own, then transforming that into Buddha mind/heart and sending it back upon the newly cut lines of karma to be received instead of the energy generated by the suffering, i.e. replacing suffering with bliss. I do not keep the suffering (thus, the importance of nonattachment) but rather move it through all channels of my bodies at once without grasping with the ego-structures of judgment or bias. When that moves through the heart, it touches and creates an outpouring of compassion, and thus bliss.

I am grateful to have the tool of nonattachment, to be able to open myself fully without grasping -- this work would be debilitating without that. Tonight I had The Mother Of All Flashbacks -- it was like a deck of cards shuffling by filled with images of the suffering I had experienced energetically the day before coming back to me in a wave. (It takes it a while to go out to the ends of the universe and circle back around, but since it generally does, I wasn't surprised to see it coming.) It was about five hours approaching, but once it was all the way there, it lasted less than five minutes in which I was able to sit with it, open, and let it move through me unhindered. (I had the sensation in all of my chakras of a very fast train or a comet blasting through space.) As it moved through, I consciously opened my hands of all ego-attachment to my own participation in the dynamics of trauma and/or abuse, thus as I was cleansing the karma of all who have participated in this type of suffering, at the end, as it flushed through, I sent my own right along with it as I emptied. I was very glad to have had similar experiences, and thus tools, to accept that much at once without it knocking me over -- when I remember to be empty the wind has no effect.

******

I'm a bit stiff today, perhaps from the above ceremony, or maybe from all the yard work I did afterward. It was very moving, very fulfilling. Oh -- that's one more thing -- I actually started and worked on the ritual for three days before, so this is a description of the completion or culmination of the ritual. Though I had experienced some feelings of mild anxiety or vulnerability prior to doing this work (in a somewhat pubic place!!!) when I was actually there in the space working, I forgot completely about any of that. One thing I did learn was that, when it's hot, I barely have enough breath to dance and chant for a long time, so that's something to practice / consider for the future. (This is usually not an issue, so I'm pretty sure it was the result of the heat.) I noted before hand a conditioned resistance to doing something like this where anyone MIGHT hear/see me, but that didn't change my ability or certainty about doing it -- I think in the future I will experience less resistance about doing something like this again.

Thanks for your support and encouragement -- it helps meet my needs for safety and acceptance, and thus clears the way for meeting my need for authenticity.

Two Weeks: An Historical Perspective

Previously, you asked if I had noticed anything different in my day to day life post-realization. That was two weeks ago -- I had a few answers then, but now I have more.

It's weird… whenever I think back to The Event, it seems like it was two weeks ago. This has been true since two days afterward and remains true to this day…. which is some time longer than two weeks ago. How long will this perception last? How long have you felt this way? Oh, about two weeks. (six years later) How long has it been? Hmm… about two weeks.

There's one -- my time sense for increments of time longer than a day has gotten…. even more loosely organized than before. On the other hands, I'm starting to be aware of the movement of natural (for lack of a more descriptive descriptor) time segments, such as season changes, moon cycles, etc.. And cultural cycles / changes / evolutions, infinitely branching lines of karma moving in multiple directions through time -- I am acutely aware of my place in the time/space continuum (as Bill would say) while on the other hands I feel….. like I'm standing in a room in the center / outside of it not moving at all. I experience Now whenever I look for it.

It is funny -- we did an exercise in my NVC study group this weekend where, at random intervals (I do so enjoy those) we were asked to stop, focus, and note our feelings. Every time I stopped, I immediately dropped into a meditative state as soon as my eyes hit the carpet. I've meditated there lots (though in brief intervals) thus my eyes are entrained to the visual environment as a signifier of meditation and respond immediately. There is no prelude, no "getting there," no taking a few moments to clear my mind, but rather BOOM! just there. All the time. (Even with different carpet.) I've easily dropped into a meditative state for quite some time, but the quality of that state has changed -- now, I start by experiencing emptiness -- it's always Right There. (I am looking forward to more meditation, and perhaps more reports of such.) Which, even after thirty years of meditation is still somewhat of a surprise.

So, every time I was asked my feelings it was the same ~ a sequence that started with empty…. and I could have stopped there, but for the sake of continuing to note something for the exercise / use other words that might signify what I was experiencing for those to whom I was speaking, I went on -- expansive, open, relaxed, amused/joyful. (Those last two were somewhat interchangeable -- sometimes my joy sprang from my amusement; sometimes my amusement sprang from my joy.) This state (and my description of it) didn't change one bit from time to time -- it is just what is there now when I go looking. And if I want I can see more -- see it more clearly than I ever have -- but it is the "other side" of that default state. So that's different.

I'm also viewing Samsara differently now, sort of like a game. I've started perceiving "life's little obstacles" as tests, like in school. When I was in school, I liked studying hard, getting A's, acing tests. This was not because I wanted praise or recognition, but because -- damn! it was fun! I liked the challenge, I liked pushing forward, I liked reading all those books, writing all those papers, learning all that stuff. It felt joyous, life-affirming, expansive. I didn't think that school was "out to get me" for testing me -- it was its JOB -- that's what I paid it to do and why I was there.

So, that's how I see life now. (At least when I don't have my head totally stuck up in it…. which still happens sometimes.) I am sometimes choosing to view events as though they are tests and ask myself -- IF I were being tested, what actions would I like to put down as my choice? Hmm…..

This is leading to more fearlessness (not less fear -- not that there isn't that too, but I'm distinguishing between the two conditions) in many situations. Thus, I'm not reacting as much to my fear / impulsive hesitation -- I note it, but I know that I don't have to react to it. I can think about it, make a choice. If this were a test, what would I want to do? How/who do I want to be? She who is authentic despite anxiety? Or she who reads her lines from the cultural script even though it isn't what she wants to do/say? Do I want to strap on the goat hooves and dance? Or sulk in the corner wishing I "could"?

(This can also been seen to be part of my NVC practice, in that, as part of that, I had come to the realization a few months ago that I had strong needs for safety and acceptance. Underlying that was an unmet need for authenticity, but the other two needed to be met first before that one would feel safe enough even attempting to have itself met. After a few months of meeting the first two needs more consistently, the other need is now wanting to have itself met and feeling safe enough to do it.)

This is ironic to me -- only when I can see the emptiness of myself am I then able to fully BE myself. It is that whole free will thing -- I had to first find the space within which choice was possible before I could freely make conscious choices and not just repeatedly engage in culturally conditioned samsaric reactionary impulses. (By the way, this process is just like quitting other addictions -- it's just that this time the addiction is what I used to call reality. Hi, my name is Fyshmom and I'm addicted to Samsara….)

On that note, I have also been noting other changes, a slowing down in time almost, pauses between events that I would have used to label simultaneous. Part of this is awareness, thus awareness of those moments, awareness of now when I am in those moments. This leads to a lessening of the suffering of day to day life in that, in that pause, I am aware that I have the ability to make a conscious choice to suffer or not. An event arises; normally (though that word has lost a lot of meaning in the past ((haha)) two weeks) I would react with some sort of suffering. (Disappointment, irritation, anxiety, or any host of constricting emotional ((though I'm not sure if that is even the most accurate terminology anymore)) states.) Now, instead of reacting, it's like a little voice pops up and says "thisisoneofthosethingsthatoftenleadstosuffering
(inhale)
andyouknowifyoufollowthethinkingthroughallthe
wayyou'llseethatyoudon'thavetosuffer
(inhale)
soI'mheretoremindyouthatyoucanavoidthestateall
togetherandtrustintheemptinessofit!"

When I am aware of that moment, I often (though not always) choose not to suffer. (Often this means that I quickly focus simultaneously on not releasing the neurochemicals associated with that particular state of suffering and relax / not receive any of those chemicals that might already be on their way. By consciously holding that for a moment, it allows the moment to pass without attachment to the suffering, allowing it to thus be a moment without suffering. (All moments have the potential for suffering; all moments have the potential for bliss.) Which generally leads to the following moments being ones without suffering, and those after that, thus more moments without suffering. Etc.) There is a piece of time afterward, that if I chose, I could mentally recreate the event and the conditioned neuro/psychological components of the experience and go ahead and suffer even though I avoided it in "real time," but as of yet I have not been motivated to experiment trying this out in practice. I know I could, but why? That's just the sort of pattern I'm trying to transcend.

Hmm… what else…..

This is still Samsara -- sometimes I get some on me -- but generally it's much easier now to shake it off. Some things are stickier than others for me, but even the stickiest ones are more easily shaken loose now. I try to remember to shake it everyday and if it doesn't come off, keep shaking. Reconnecting with the emptiness over and over again helps -- (re)creating that state as often as possible is leading to the higher likelihood of it becoming a trait. (Though suffering is habit forming, I can learn new habits.)

I continue experimenting with focal length and visual perceptions of reality, and have combined this with other practices for some, well, rather strikingly interesting results. This is also coinciding with work dealing with embodiment, in theory and practice. Maybe I'll have more to say about that in two weeks. :<)

Be well,

fMom

EmBodyMeant

That is really interesting! When I first started examining my relationship to and within my body, I was rather shocked at how "disembodied" I was, and how I resisted allowing my consciousness to inhabit my body. At first I was unsure how much of this was trauma based, meaning it is common for people who have had experienced extreme pain in their bodies as youngsters to "disassociate" from them, to not feel them. (Freud's cases of "hysteria" in his formative work were on women who had numbness in parts of their bodies from no discernable physical cause. He based a lot of his work on their "fantasies," which were probably recollections of physical and sexual abuse. He realized this at first, i.e. that they were recalling actual situations that had happened, but because of the times / culture, he later chose to believe that they were fantasies of sexuality, thus his psycho-sexual model.)

After a lot of self-work and more examination of the culture, while the trauma might have had something to do with it, I believe now that the disembodiment is more of a cultural issue. From at least Victorian times, people have been conditioned to disassociate from their bodies, not to notice them, to ascribe the sensations of the body as weak or bad. Thus, eventually, we stop feeling them...and eventually stop moving them much. Just think about how many times children are told to "Hold still!" Moving the body causes sensations in the body. Eventually, they listen, and then you have a largely sedentary culture. In the end, I think that even these attitudes come from a need for safety and fears of pain -- the body can experience incredible levels of pain, and thus, over the centuries, we learned to adapt our brains to "tune out" the body and walk around like sentient pumpkins on stalks.

I noted a while back how "two dimensional" I felt, as though I only have a front and a back, like a piece of paper. It wasn't until I started receiving deep bodywork that I realized I have SIDES, that I am 3D. This realization on a sensate level gives me a totally different perspective on three dimensional space in that I *feel* the space now that I occupy.

Can I feel my fingertips? From inside? Can I feel my gall bladder? Where is it? Can I focus my consciousness on the base of my spine and then slowly move it upward? WHERE do I feel my feelings? How does my body respond when I have a neurochemical surge that I label "anger"?

This is largely how I became able to manipulate my neurochemistry, i.e. I focused my consciousness on the sensations that particular chemical washes produced in my body so that I was able to *feel* the chemical component of an emotional state well before the discursive part of my brain started to tell a story to explain it. In the past, the story was the emotion whereas now I experience an emotion as the chemical, the reception of the chemical, the sensations in the body, the body's conditioned impulse, the mind's conditioned impulse (which is often to create the story), and, if I'm really on top of things, my chosen response to all of those components. This body-centered awareness of emotions gives those emotions a totally different flavor and allows them to have vastly different effects or outcomes on my life. (I am not my emotions -- my emotions are empty, as am I. It is all just components and pieces loosely held together in patterns, largely out of habit.)

One of the aspects of Tibetan Buddhism I've found beneficial is the idea of embodiment, that in meditation, rather than calling upon some outside deity to "worship," one conjures that deity, dissolves their own self-limiting ego, and becomes one with the deity / invites the deity to embody within them. What would Vajra Yogini do if she was here in my livingroom? Hmm.... let's find out -- we have the technology! (Note: This was one of my two Tibetan initiations. It has been vastly helpful.) Oh -- she'd dance around a lot, be blissfully happy, have no fear, feel compassion for all beings and cut all attachments. Am I willing to give up myself to be that? To let go of all ideas of Who I Am and instead be an empty vessel to be filled with divinity? For the good of all sentient beings? Oh, wait... I signed that contract quite some time ago. (I discussed the Bodhisattva vows with R. *extensively* before I agreed, or would allow him to agree... though he already had.... as had I more than likely.....but I digress.....) And, since I'm already committed, I may as well relax and go with it......

Ah, the body -- it is.... impermanent but oh so fun. It is what it is and is there whether we attune to it or not -- it just has a lot more potential for joyous experience when it is paid attention to. I sometimes see my body as a small, somewhat frightened creature which has been given to me to take care of. It does not live long enough to fully understand or comprehend its surroundings and on some level it realizes at all times the potential dangers to it, its vulnerability, the inevitability of its extinction individually and as a species. It is like the primitive parts of humanity, the simple life and death reality of living in this plane of existence.

I used to see it as this weak, largely pointless THING I was stuck inside of -- this restrictive meat suit that I couldn't wait to get out of -- but now I view it with compassion and caring. Yes, it *is* weak compared to the universe, but what of my strength if I am unable to gently hold it and care for it? Do I sneer at its fear? Or comfort and hold it, letting it know that I'll be with it through all things, that it will not be abandoned, that when it dies I will hold its hand through the process. Without my body I couldn't embody here, at least not in the way I have. Human rebirth is considered so precious because this is the place where all planes overlap, where samsara meets nirvana, where one can step through all existent realms. I realize now that the body is the perfect vehicle for this process, rather than a hindrance as I had thought before. (I have and have had through my life very strong memories of existence without a body, and comparatively having one is cumbersome and restrictive BUT it is also of short duration, thus I've chosen to enjoy it while it's here since it won't be for very long.) And, frankly, if I continue on this path with diligence (and I seem to have more of that now than ever before) there are ways to leave this plane of existence that don't even require dieing. (I explained that to my body, which is also where the ego-death fear resided, as a way to gently talk it into relaxing and letting go. Ego-extinction feels much like death, at least from my memories of having died in other lives. There is a moment of AAARRRGHH!! followed by a peace and bliss so profound that it causes involuntary laughter ((or the non-body equivalent)) at the fear one was experiencing just moments before. And, of course, with mind training and practice moving in and out of bardo states, even this transition can be done without fear, or at least with a significant lessening of it.)

Embodiment.... yeah. Right now mine is detoxing in quite an unexpected way. I've started to hydrate and all of a sudden I feel like *crap*! My cells are dumping waste products into my system at an unprecedented rate -- I've even had tarter build up fall off of my teeth totally out of the blue. I feel right now like I did when I was a smoker and had smoked three packs in one day, though of course I haven't smoked. In losing weight and drinking this much and having deep bodywork done and exercising.... well, it's all letting go and flushing out. Better out of my cells than in my cells, even though I couldn't feel it.

Speaking of which, this body is ready to get up and DO something with parts of it other than just its fingers, so off I go. Thank you so much for this dialog -- I like archiving it that way and building a sort of verbal narrative explanation for what is going on, where I've been, where I'm going, etc. It is very helpful to me and I appreciate you sharing information with me.

Be well,